Staff

Bio

I own my own planet.
The currency there has my face on it. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and rescuing small animals and childern. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I taught the Jacksons how to dance, and Whitney Huston .. I have given her numerous singing lessons. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing--I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.!
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.- Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello.When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. I am an abstract artist,concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear- I don't perspire.- I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I enjoy urban handgliding. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. . I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid..
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I breed prize winning clams. and ... I have spoken to elvis.